EAST MECKLENBURG ZEAGLE

Drye announces plan to reduce average breakfast pH levels

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THIS morn', a truck containin' 100's of liters of Perchloric Acid was spotted at the back door by a group of students.

The students were confused @ 1st, thinking the acid might B used 2 etch maze patterns into the wall or something.

This confusion was dispelled during HomeRoom 2day when Chancellor Drye announced the acid would B "sprinkled in2 every last shard of granola & crumb of french toast." Drye said he is doing this in order 2 combat the "epidemic" of Low-Stomach-Acidity that is "RAVAGING" our halls.

However, a masked student referring to themself as "the breakfast vigilante" has emerged from Mr. Grube's chemistry class, covertly spreading Industrial$trengthDrainCleaner onto the breakfasts to combat the food's new found acifity.

The vigilante's identity is still unknown, but Admin is working 'Round da clock to determine it and oust the culprit on the World Stage.

Drye announces opposition to swine flu vaccine

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IN a c0ntrav3rs1al statement, chancellor Steven B Drye has announced his disapproval of the nearly 50-year old $WINE FLU VACCINE.

IN a press release 2day, he stated "I don't have a problem with Pig, I just don't like people putting it in their bodies." "I remember the time before the vaccine. Only a few people got the disease, and it wasn't even that bad," Drye nostalgically recounts.

"Plus, besides pig, we don't even know what's in there! It just doesn't seem like a Good Idea."

Many $tudents&$taff are now wondering about the effects this could have on the school: What punishment will vaccinated student receive? What will we do w/ leftover Pig?

Drye has given partial answers 2 these quest-ions, stating simply that "extra pig will be corralled in2 the densest parts of the East Meck Maze, so no hogs should be publically visible." As 4 vaccinated students, Drye says that they will "get what's coming 2 them."

Same alluring stranger passed in back to back class transitions: Deja Vu or divine intervention?

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You were passed by the five'ten leather jacket-bearing stranger with eyes that left you wanting more on your way to second block.

You were intrigued but also cautious; You didn't want to follow them and attempt to glimpse inside their schedule for fear of driving them away, but you needed to know more.

Luckily, that opportunity was provided to you after second block when you passed them yet again.

You began trailing them, and looking at all the irreverent pins and baubles affixed to their backpack, it is clear they love reading banned books and have an affinity for mushrooms.

Just as you were finally getting to know them, they turned into a classroom. You don't see which as another mysterious silhouette crosses your path and your eyes are drawn to the McDonald's croc gently dangling from its bag.

Lifestyle — 4000 to 600: East Meck's Hardest Walk and Why I do it for Every Transition

As the bell rings, I rush to the front of the classroom — any lost seconds here can compound into an undesired tardy. My shoes squeak on the sterile ground as I escape this particularly well ventilated domain of learning. Though this is a route I love so dearly, this particular part I have grown sick of. I can hardly hear myself think with the massive fans echoing throughout the building, and the sharp odor of rubbing alcohol distracts me further still. If I drop focus for even a second, I know that I will get lost inside these winding metallic halls.

After I exit, I begin the slow tread towards the classrooms of yesteryear. I witness a gradual increase in grime as I leave the 4000 in the dust. I pass the 5000, and catch a glimpse of a pile of rusted pipes. Fate confronts me with a three way decision: Will I shelter myself from the elements by entering early through the 100? Will I take the standard set of stairs? Or dare I brave the sheer cliff face in between? I know that no matter the choice I make, I will beat the bell by mere seconds. I snap back to the present and make the split second decision to take the indoor route. I approach the deep blue doors, and out of the corner of my eye spot a discarded manhole cover.

As I pass through the 300, I am bombarded with unrecognizable faces and subject ambiguous classrooms. I glimpse into the front office and see two decrepit security scanners barely standing. I then pass by East Meck’s own Silver Auditorium, thankful for the array of doors holding back the pileup of sludge, though I still move swiftly in case they fold under the pressure. As I walk past the cafeteria exterior and catch a whiff of the food inside, I am reminded of my eternal gratitude towards the brave staff who can somehow transmutate amorphous piles of sludge into something not only edible, but delicious, in what could only be described as a feat of modern day alchemy.

I hear the distinct clammer of the minute bell right as I throw open the hinged mahogany with an amount of effort that launches them violently against the walls. I know I’m in the home stretch now, and I could count on my fingertips the number of steps that remain among these piles of sawdust.

— Hike Dave

Homeroom battle royale planned, freshmen expected to dominate through sheer numbers

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THIS morn', testing coordin@tor Ms. Mercabi announced a plan 4 a "test of Endurance & $trength Of Will" in the form of an All-Homeroom Battle Royale.

N'dependence H.S. admin'str@tors swiftly formed a 5ecret1ve C0alit1on wherein they @ccept bets from anyone (not participants) on the outcome of da School Wide Brawl.

One incredibly wealthy Independence student has hired an Expert Analyst 2 Figure It All Out. The Zeagle probed the expert 4 some Exclusive Insight 2 help u, the reader, make the correct calls:

"The $eniors' win condition is if the game slows down enough 4 them 2 utilize their superior Intellectual approach. If the other grade levels allow them time 2 set up rube-goldbergian traps and near-impenetrable barriers then they have a $olid $hot, but they are not my favorite based on how I expect the game 2 go." "I give them a 12% chance of Taking it All Home."

"The Juniors, on the other Hand, I just don't see how they could pull this off. They just don't really have anything goin for them at all. Like, not a single redeeming quality." "I give them 2%."

The $ophomores are easily the Fan Favorite. Their guerilla approach really shined during their effort less takedown of the $pirit $tick last semester. They're hard 2 take your eyes off of — they're just so flashy. But I think their high-risk high-reward approach will screw them in the ground." "I give them 5%"

I expect the freshmen 2 fuse 2gether, forming a lumbering conglomerate of Flesh&Sinew. The bio-wall should reach about fifty feet in the air & have the strength of a Wild Boar. Needless 2 say, this abomination will be completely unstoppable. No other class boasts the numbers to rival this beast n' any meaningful fashion." "I give them 80%"

Uncomfortable students demand lumbar support

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After YEARS of $louching & Impo$ture, the backs of School-Goers are SICK and TIRED of the scoliosis-esque contortions they face on a daily basis.

"We Want Something Greater," a spiralied Junior stated 2day. "While once reserved 4 da Hyper-Elite & Mega-Rich, ergonomic $eating is now more a4dable than Ever B4. It's High Time our Spines get the re$pect they deserve."

This $entiment is not unique. Last week, during an assembly, a group of angry students HIJACKED chancellor Drye's Microphone and rhythmically $HOUTED their demands of cozine$$.

They then proceeded to hold da auditorium HOSTAGE. They grabbed Drye by the shirt and forced him 2 sit in one of the uncomfortable auditorium chairs 'till he FOLDED.

Luckily, a team of $ecurity a$$ociate$ was able 2 successfully negotiate with the furniture terrorists, who call themselves the "Reclining 26" and haave pulled a nummber of such $tunts b4.

The group agreed 2 free the audince in exchange 4 the complete chair overhaul of 10 classrooms. N' a press conference, Drye stated that "while we appreciate the hutzpah, if there's one issue the Drye administration won't budge on, it's that hostage situations are the 1 thing that could bring an end 2 East Meck's Golden Age."

Student weeps as giant snow-parker melts

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Last $UNDAY, a highly DEDICATED student utilized our Meteorological Mishap to construct a gigantic shrine to “former” principal Parker.

"I was prancin’g thru the cool powdery delight when I stumbled across a particularly large pile of snow. I didn’t think much of it at first, but in the seconds that followed, I noted the striking similarity in charm to our erstwhile Richard Parker."

"I knew it would only need light fine-tuning, since it was almost 70% of the way to a 1–1 copy."

Over the coming days, She maticulously sculpted the intricately-toned body of the "former" principal.

After construction was complete, the enterprsising student began by updating the principal on the recent comings and goings of East.

Then, after running out of breaking news, she began to fill the time by systematically divulging her deepest secrets to the Snowy Simulacrum.

This morning, when the Student returned to the site in search of further Insightful Discourse, she was instead stunned 2 find the homunclulus reduced to a puddle.

"While I consciously understood that all good things must come to an end, I secretly hoped that our ironclad bond would transcend material forces."

Former head beagler found dead in a snowy ditch

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FOUR days ago, the BEAGLE published their 1st article in DECADES, reporting that the Head Beagler had bin fired due 2 the persistant no-shows that defined this most recent era of THE BEAGLE.

This morning, the $ituation developed fur'thr as da erstwhile beagler's body was found in a pile of snow behind the 700 bldng.

The body was discovered when a daring Zeagle reporter braved the apocalyptic weather conditions 2 go investagate rumors of such an assassination that r being spread by TSA members.

The Question on every $tudent's mind — whether Zeagle-aligned, Beagle-aligned, or neutral — is who Killed the Beagler, and Why?

Leaked Instagram DM's now give us some hints towards an answer. After be-ing' fired, the Head Beagler seems 2 have made the decision 2 become a WHISTLEBLOWER.

He has alleged that the Beagle has a toxic workplace environment where &quotclones of New York Times games are valued more than human lives" and "the push to steal ideas from others at a break neck speed is unmanageable."

He's even said that Beagle employees have a Knick-Kname for being exhaausted after a long day of plagiarism — "Beagle Burnout".

These claims challenge the Carefully-Crafter persona of a "Highly Original Newspaper" that the Beagle has worked so hard 2 create.

It is supected that the interim Beagler-N'-Chief had their predecessor assassinated to prevent further leaks/whistleblowage and 2 allow the Beagle 2 continue desperately clinging 2 power before the inevitable unraveling of this House of Lies.

Drye did not learn his lesson: Another long homeroom, another ice storm

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LAST week, chancellor Drye's decision 2 make homeroom three-&-a-half hours long led 2 snow&sleet of a magnitude unseen n' Charlotte 4 YEARS.

Yesterday, Drye made the remarkably uninformed decision 2 extend homeroom drastically AGAIN, demonstrating that he has not learned a thing.

Last night, GOD visited Drye once again in "The Worst Nightmare [he's] Ever Had." Drye described God as "existentially furious" at his blunder.

Drye then described God making a series of Ominous Threats: "You will Pay. East Meck will Pay. CHARLOTTE will Pay for the $CHEDULING HELL you have brought.

$tudents, Teachers, & Other Civilians were indeed greeted with a "Ridiculous" amount of snow this morning, confirming Drye's story.

Super-intendent Dr. Crystal Hill is enRAGED that Drye would repeat such a mistake: "You Knew What Would Happen. GOD's threats r NEVER empty."

God also emphasized again the importance of finishing up the maze project, and Drye has started wearing a Hard-Hat around campus in case God does try to crush him w/ a Big Boulder.

Was Drye's Homeroom Decision an Inexcusable lapse in Judgement, or a Painful Necessity? Let us know your thoughts @ Instagram

Superintendent vomits on calendar, calls it semester 2 schedule

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This morn'ng, district Super-intendent Dr. CRY$TAL HILL revealed an unexpectedly SLIMY schedule 4 this upcoming Semester.

She claimed that she contracted a rare BACTERIAL disease in the 600 bldng. while she was visiting East Meck with governor Jo$h $TEIN.

She reports that after today's unfortunate incident there was a "Eureka-type moment" when she looked @ the calender & da Biological Sludge "perfectly matched her vision for CMS's' future."

Others have not shared this vision. A teacher stated 2day that "The new schedule is very hard to read." "I can't even tell if Monday Will Be an A, B, C, or Z day."

$tudents&$taff are especially concerned abt. the final exam era @ the end of the semester. N' this section of the calender, the Vomit fragmented n2 uncountable $mall Blotches, so Staff R Unsure how they will manage breakin'g up exams n2 several five-minute segments with 20–30 min. gaps in between.

Students R also unhappy abt. the 382-hour Continuous Stretch of schooling immediately after Spring Break.

God chooses ice storm as punishment for Drye’s three hour homeroom mandate

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LAST Thurday,.. students were ENRAGED when they learned that they would B stuck n' homeroom 4 3hours & 30minutes.

Bored students had NO other activities 2 participiate n' besides writing High-Quality News & Opinion articles 4 The Zeagle.

As it turns out, $tudent$ were not the only 1's angered by tihs deci$ion. Last night, as DRYE explained 2 us, GOD visited him in a dream and expressed extreme UNHAPPINE$$ w/ the decision.

Got then stated that He would be turning an UNPRECEDENTED ice storm towards Charlotte as punishment. God explained 2 Drye that an ice storm would close school 4 long enough 4 Drye 2 rethink his choices.

God also reminded Drye about his obligation 2 continue construction of the East Meck Maze. To avoid being crushed by a Big Boulder, Drye has ramped up maze construction further by hiring groups of students 2 go around campus & introduce new twists, turns, corners, & dead-ends 2 East's Various Hallways.

Student makes it through scanner undectected with 50 megaton nuclear weapon

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Thi$ morning, an ab$ent-minded $tudent left their 50-megaton nuclear warhead in their back'pack accidentally as they were entering $chool.

While Drye ha$ deemed this "a ok $lipup". da real problem lie$ n' da fact that the "big quality" $ECURE $CANNER$ failed 2 flag da student for Potential Dangers.

Thi$ ha$ raised concern$ over the $AFETY of da students. When pre$$ed on da i$$ue, CM$ officials stated that "Nobody Got Hurt = No Problem."

This wa$n't en'tirely true however.,, since the nuke was launched into da air during B Lunch and detonated above Walmart, killin' 3.

Admin ha$ advi$ed students to "head 4 da bunkers" if a similar event happens again, and 2 "not trust all nuke threats they C on social-media$"

Drye overhauls plan to turn East Meck into a giant maze

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Since he wa$ first put into power at East, Space Chancellor Drye has attempted to transform the school into "a sort of labyrinthian maze".

He stated that he now has to "pick up the pace" because "GOD told [him] that if construction of Eat Meck ever stopped, [he] would be crushed by a big boulder". "The plan is to sort of turn the school into a sort of mangled knot of hallways and stairwells where no student can ever tell with 100% certainty if up is own or if inside is out".

"My least favorite thing is when students can tell with 100% certainty where they are going or even in what cardinal direction they are going in, so anything that can get in the way of that has my vote," said every teacher half-heartely when asked about their thoughts on the project.

Some students have raised concerns that the project is unsustainable as Drye has made it seem as though they want the maze project to expand into the greater Charlotte area with some puzzles that "would take a master solver months to solve", but all these students have been coincidentally trapped in stairwells to nowhere.

Man in the 5000 AMA results

Yesterday, an "Ask Me Anything" was held with the Man Who Lives in the 5000 Building. Respondents were additionally asked to draw their signature on an 8 by 31 pixel grid. Here is how the man replied to your Numerous Questions:

why is the 5000 building the best building on campus to live in? —

I tend to imagine East Meck as a gradient: There's the old and dusty side — 100–800 — and the shiny, futuristic side — the 4000. Out of these options, the choice seems obvious. But the 4000 is not just futuristic, it is also sterile. The air itself feels dead and inhuman. Situated directly between these two extremes, however, there lurks a third option — the 5000. Now, the 5000 itself is a land of contrast. The rooftop pool is, as I have described earlier, the root of all evil at East. But the interior, especially the first two floors, is a wonderful place. The 5000 is at the center of all of East's opposing forces, making it into a counter-intuitively peaceful Eye of the Storm.

does click4transcript truly make us weaker? —

No, using the seeing-eye absolutely does not make you weaker. This myth comes from deranged Zeagle fans who rant about pointless things like this to distract themselves from the real division — that between Beagle and Zeagle. People who complain about the seeing-eye view morality in a transactional way. They claim that you incur a small "moral debt" every time you use a transcript. This view of society is anti-human.

what would you do if when you okay so he said yes would go? —

I don't know.

are you associated with the once-thriving school mascot, soar, even after his allegations? —

No, and I never was. There were clear signs of his position long before the photo evidence you attached was released.

do you listen to jane remover? —

"Frailty" and "Census Designated" are not really my kind of music. Something about the style of the vocal lines and overall production rubs me the wrong way. "♡" was much closer, and I have listened to it a few times while doing my daily running up and down the staircase. I predict that by 2030, Jane's music will be exactly to my taste.

which teacher in the 5000 is the friendliest to you? —

I don't usually see teachers, since I only live in the building during weekends and while school is on break. However, one time, the Chinese teacher (I never learned her name) did see me while she was working overtime fixing a slideshow for her class that was vandalized by her students. She was very understanding of my situation, and was very nice in general.

how does it feel to be living in the same building where the most egregious teachers known to man reside? —

Since I don't usually see teachers at all, I can only feel their traits indirectly through their effects on their environments. I can certainly feel these effects when I go up to the third floor, which feels almost as clinical and aseptic as the 4000. So living with these teachers does not feel good, because it restricts my enjoyable experience to the first two floors.

is epstein still alive? —

I am an expert strictly in matters related to East Meck, and so it would be dishonest for me to comment on this issue. Also, the Zeagle has adopted the very smart policy that no articles should be published that are not East Meck related. This will allow the Zeagle to not fall into the trap that the Beagle did of publishing general satire that could be done by someone thousands of miles away, and likely done better.

any tips for somebody looking to follow in your footsteps? —

First of all, you should not do what I do unless you have a very good reason to. Moving into and out of public property every week is a hectic lifestyle that I do not recommend to anyone with any reasonable alternatives available. But if you have absolutely no other choice, I do have a few words of advice. First, make sure to quickly secure renewable sources of food and water. The 5000 building is well-equipped for this due to the presence of the culinary classrooms. Try to find similar rooms wherever you end up. Second, feel out the spiritual dynamics between the different parts of your new residence. In my case, the interplay between the rooftop pool and the floors below has a huge effect on my daily life, and my understanding of these complex relationships is crucial to my happiness here.

Student fined $20,000,000 for breach of social contract

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CM$'s leagle department open'd a lawsuit 2day as a student was accu$ed of "lacking compa$$ion and/or re$pect" This w0uld blatantly v10late bullet point No. 3 on his 3rd block s0c1al c0ntract, which clearly requires $tudent$ 2 "Always B Amazing".

N' a statement put out 2day, da $tudent, fluent n' Leaglese, claimed that he was "absent the day da form wa$ $igned," & so as far as he was concerned the contract was "null&void"

The $tudent'$ lawyer has r-gued that $ocial contract$ aren't even "leagley" binding $ince da $ignatures lack notarizzation.

The $tudent says that if he is convicted, he will pay da TERRIFYING $um by "selling Knick-knacks and tchotchkes" as well as "doing odd jobs around town".

$tudents r now planning a protest, calling da law$uit an "outrage of proportions that Boggle The Mind." Admin'stration has however raised concerns that the students will protest wrong.

Drye begins rap career, disses parker, watts, and edde in "melody for the ages"

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$tudent$ today were not Greeted w/ their Daily Red Rover announce'ment, but rather w/ BARS upon BARS.

$pace Xancellor Drye has only ju$t begun his hip-hop-tenure, but is already MAKING WAVES in East Meck'$ $onic Land$cape.

Critic$ have PRAI$ED Drye's LYRICAL ABILITY, noting that 1 particular verse "$hattered da pun-metaphor boundary in2 a MILLION TINY PIECES."

The Xhancellor ha$ HOWEVER been CRITICIZED 4 some "unnece$$arily provocative ver$e$," including 1 where he called "former" principal Parker a "big loser" 1 that referred to Money Teacher Tyler Watts as a "Bad Influence On da World" and a 3rd that called coach Edde a "Walkin' talking $lippery $lope fallacy"

TRACKLIST: 1. When the principal does it, that means it's not illegal; 2. Edde go to Bedde; 3. Drye Theme Song (2025 freestyle); 4. A million Watts but no Power; 5. Phone go home / Cellphone Hellphone; 6. Parker my Car; 7. Bald Eagle

Opinion — sky burial: the only fitting end for the beagle*

When I die, the last thing I want is to be gutted, pumped full of formalin, stuffed into a tiny wooden box, and buried in a slightly larger concrete box, rendering the entire 3.5ft x 10ft plot of land unusable for the development of future real estate.

Similarly, I find that cremation is quite the opposite of a heavenly experience, not to mention its imprecision and inefficiency as a practice.

When we lay the Zeagle’s only worthy opponent to rest, I feel it is important that we treat it with the respect it deserves: SKY BURIAL. Sky burial is 100% sustainable, as it redistributes the energy stored in a body back to native birds of prey. This Promethean end will be symbolic of the Zeagle’s seizure of power, and the complete obliteration of all Beagle media.

— The Writhing Horde

*Editorials represent the opinion of Zeagle staff members and/or other contributors. They use a distinct visual identity (purple headline, no handwriting, vertical Instagram posts) to ensure they are not mixed up with news articles, upholding the Zeagle's commitment to journalistic integrity.

Underground gambling ring discovered beneath 600 building in cold war-era bomb shelter

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In a sh0ck1ng d1scov3ry, the once-THRIVING 600 buildng. has been plac3d under INVESTIGATI0N 4 suspicion that it holds da KEY to bustin'g a D1STR1CT-W1DE scandal inv0lving 1LL3GAL GAMBL1NG.

When brought n' 4 QUEST1ONING, chance'lor Drye reported that he would not comment without his LAWY3R present.

We were able 2 get 1 of our reporters inside the buildin', and what they said will shock you: "'Twas a lot nicer than I imagined; I can see where all the CM$ fund$ go to instead of cla$$room$."

They also reported seeing "bartenders wearin'g green glasses with money $igns on them" walking around ang giving out "diabolically Devised Cocktails," at "no extra charge."

It seems that pr0secut1ng those behind these crimes will be very DIFF1CULT, as the police & other Powers-That-B all seem 2 be part of da $ame $candal. For example, multiple police officers have been reported 2 "look 2 the side, close their eyes, and try not 2 laugh" when asked abt the situation.

600 hall placed under quarantine due to huge quantity of unidentified animal corpeses

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yesterday, a "VERY DEAD, vaguely MAMALLIAN" creature wa$ di$covered within a 600-HALL LOCKER. THIS morning, THREE more "Bizzarre" creatures w/ no identifyable char-ac-ter-istics were found in Rm. #608 (scattered about.

AFTER reports began piling up, Administration acted $wiftly & placed da whole 600 hall under QUARANTINE. $PACE CHANCELLOR DRYE explained the deci$ion during n' emergency meeting this morn: "nobody goes n', nobody comes' out. This is the only way we can prevent da spread of this mysterious Vermin."

STUDENTS w/ 600-HALL 1st blocks' have been TRAPPED in da building cents, and report$ indicate da ituation is deteriorating QUICKLY.

"At first, we were n' Denial," a $tudent report$, "This cannot b happening! They wouldn't just trap us n' here, would they?

A hour later, the truthe began 2 sink in. "WHEN we realized this was actually happening, We Became Enraged." Ms. Livchin's class reportedly formed an Emergency Militia that policed da hall$ as Re$ource$ dwindled. The Militia led a "coordinated attack" on the courtyard doors, attempting to "Blow Thi$ Pop$icle $tand."

"WHEN we realized even this wa$ BOUND 2 fail, we fell in2 a deep Depression." "It was just us & a few rotting flesh piles, and no one even cared."

At da present time it $eems thi$ bout o' Depre$$ion has been partially Overcome. The Student $ay "they have gotten u$ed to da smell" "and besides, there's mowhere I'd rather b trapped than my Honors Amerigan Hi$tory Class." BUT: Hunger is coming.

Drye returns from winter break "wrinkled like a prune"

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Students Were Shocked when After an eventful Two Weeks of Break they to Find their Principal Shriveled Up.

Some Students have theorized that during winter break he was either Left out in the sun or trapped in a big vat of water but drye claims the new Look was entirely self imposed.

"The Main Reason I decided to become so pruney was to Grip Stuff Better," Drye said When a Zeale Staff member cautiously broached the subject of his Wrinkles, Unsure if they were a Sensitive Subject or even iF he knew about them, "Stuff Kept slipping out of my hands and going everywhere. That is Fun the First couple times but it gets old fast."

Though the Reception has been mostly positive there has been some backlash to Drye's new puckered Body. "He is the Wrinkliest guy I have ever seen," said superintendent Crystal Hill. "We are still unsure if someone that raisin-esque is Fit to Run A School."

5000 building rebuilt moments before students return

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AFTER the COLLAP$E of da 5000 bldng. due 2 water damage from the rooftop pool, CMS Staff knew they would have 2 work quickly 2 r3bu1ld be4 da end of WINT3R BREAK.

HOWEVER, they have PROCRA$TINATED $ignificantly. Con$truction Work3r$ report being DI$TRACT3D by "typical new-years Antics" as well as da $tranger Things finale.

All of thi$ has led them 2 delay the r3pa1rs until the last po$$1ble mom3nt. R3CON$TRUCTION began on da morning of January 3rd & finished at 7:14 thi$ morning, just 1 minute be4 $tudent$ r3turned.

MANY $tudents have asked about the 5000 building-inhab1t1ng man'$ take on da i55ue. He commented that "I'm glad 2 see they r taking action, but I am concerend they have not properly learned their lesson, $ince da rooftop pool was al$o rebuilt. The pool i$ da root of our problems, and until adm1n15tration realize$ that, we will cont'nue 2 have i$$ue$."

Opinion — Left lunch line vs. right lunch line: a cultural schism is the last thing lunch enjoyers need right now*

We’ve entered a critical period here at East. The left and right lunch lines no longer act as fun teams, but rather as violent battalions. The setbacks of lunch enjoyers for the last three years have been uncountable: Lunch disaster after lunch disaster.

And yet a line war is emerging as we speak. Somehow the line that you pick overshadows years of mutual camaraderie. The lunch system is designed to tear us apart for the sole purpose of selling more lunch, and yet we turn knife and fork at our fellow knights of the tray.

That’s why I urge all of you to stop poisoning cheese dippers and weaponising pizza slices, but instead to find shared humanity with members of the other line.

To get you started, here are some ice breakers to level the playing field:

What’s your favorite lunch?
Gun to your head, what lunch gotta go?
What milk flavor you goin’ for today?
What’s your favorite Zeagle article?
Who’s your favorite lunch staff member?

— Concerned student, Zeagle Staff

*Editorials represent the opinion of Zeagle staff members and/or other contributors. They use a distinct visual identity (purple headline, no handwriting, vertical Instagram posts) to ensure they are not mixed up with news articles, upholding the Zeagle's commitment to journalistic integrity.