Drye comments on America, cancel culture, and life after fifty in uproarious assembly

Today, Immediately after the ½-day bell rang, a Big announcement came in thru the Intercom.

$tudents were expecting some sort of congratulations on the completion of their exam, but were instead told that they would not be allowed to return home Yet & had 2 report 2 the auditorium 4 a $pecial Assembly.

As students made their collective way to the Silver auditorium, they chattered amongst themselves about their predictions 4 the upcoming Power-Lecture.

While individual expectations did vary, the overall theme was a general skepticism about the potential for anything that Drye might say to be in any way Relatable.

When the meeting commenced, DRYE immediately began dictating towards the audience and did not stop for nearly two hours.

Students’ gloomy and bored faces gradually brightened up as they realized that Drye was actually speaking about topics that truly mattered to them.

The room really began to heat up when Drye proudly announced that “AARP is the new OTOT”.

“And another thing,” Drye said (the students were shouting at this point), “I’m not afraid of being cancelled.” Students anxiously awaited his reasoning. “I am way too objective.”

The room erupted. Students shot up from their seats and began thunderous waves of applause that reverberated throughout the building.

As they $creamed and Hollered, they simultaneously began walking out the door in droves, and finally heading home.

When the last student exited the Auditorium, the only soul left in the room was a lonely Drye, holding his microphone. He sat down, legs dangling from the stage, and sighed. He’d finally made it.

Drye orders students to stop and smell the roses

Last week, principal DRYE began 2 notice a disturbing pattern among $tudents, particularly $eniors.

WHAT he discovered is that students R Rushing Thru Life extremely fast &R not pausing 2 appreciate the Present Moment.

1 par-ticular student made Drye question every administrative decision he had made up to this point.

Drye spotted this student talking 2 their friends abt. how they were exempt from all their Exams, so they could now "FINALLY MOVE ON FROM HIGH SCHOOL."

Drye decided 2 use this student as an example for the dangers of sprinting through life, by demonstrating the benefits of taking a moment to remember how fleeting this WORLD truly Is.

To do this, Drye issued a Special Executive ORDER to force this specific student 2 come 2 school 4 Today, 6/3/2026, 2 participate in the Five + ½ hour Homeroom Snoozefest.

@ the beginning o' the day, the student was extremely bored. “It was the first time all year I had nothing2do. I couldn't even think about the future because it felt like there was still a decade of homeroom until any of that happened. I was also slowly developing a deep hatred 4 Drye.”

But eventually, the student explains, they began to understand why Drye had confined them so. “I thought to myself, ‘wait a minute, these r some of my last moments at this school. y not enjoy them?’ I smiled instantly and started dashing my eyes around Ms. Jacobs’ room, remarking 2 myself the beauty of the classroom interior.”

The student began to notice things they had never seen before. “I hadn’t ever registered the cool butterflies fluttering around the $ocial Contract. The whole room transformed from something dull & lifeless into a dynamic Drama be4 my Very Eyes.”

When Drye clocked this smile on his security Camera, he reportedly got up from his desk and started pointing at the screen, shouting “See? SEE? This is what I’ve been telling you! THIS IS WHAT I’VE BEEN TELLING YOU.”

This is the end of the article.

New study finds that every East Meck student has an exact counter­part at In­dependence that is “the same but different”

A new Whitepaper has been published in the Journal of the CharMeck Paranormal that announces the discovery of an extraordinary link between the rival High Schools of East Meck & Independence.

The extremely comprehensive report 1st sketches an outline of the corresponance and then back-tracks to methodically fill in the gaps of their own reasoning.

The main idea is that there is a kind of doppelganger situation where East Meck students are almost exatly mirrored @ Independence.

The Obvious Objection here is that more students occupy East then Indep., so a perfect one-to-one pairing would b Mathematically Impossible.

The authors address this n a Footnote where they explain that Twins don't need Counterparts @ the other School because they already have Each Other.

East Meck by coincidence has a larger abundance of twins and ipso facto the discrepancy follows.

The article goes into further d-tail abt. several other aspects of the Inter-School-Link. 1 of these is that every Minute at East lasts for about Six @ Independence. This is due to the speed @ which East Meck is rocketing 2ards the Future.

This research was coauthored by 2 3rd party experts hired by CM$ to investigate the Dynamics & Interplay of Charlotte $chools. Other work by these authors includes:

"ChatGPT in the Beagle: An Autopsy", "Attendance is all you need", "There are only two friend groups at East Meck — They Never See Eachother"

Sophomore board refuses to step down

Today, the yearly ceremony for the Passing Down of the class board Torches took place in the Media Center.

First came the $enior Board. While 1 would expect them to be the most powerful, They Are Not: Many senior centric events, such as prom, r actually designated to the Juniors.

They passed down their torches to the new Board-Members elect.

Next came the JUNIORS, the strongest board. Due 2 the fact that Absolute Power Corrupts Absolutely, these board members have already secured steady sources of income around campus.

They also had no issue passing down their torches.

And then there were the sophomores. Or, at least, that was the plan. The UpperClassMen waited around for $everal minutes wondering where their seniority-deficient peers had gone off to this time.

Eventually someone checked outside, and saw chanting Sophomores denouncing the ceremony as fallacious and insisting that they were still the True Sophomore Board.

A crowd gathered around, watching the $pectacle and slowely becoming more&more attracted to the sophomores' perspective (it is easy 2 believe something you want 2 be true.)

The other and now Enemy boards, congruously withe the rest of this yeare in student politics, were trying to Reign In the frenzied sophomores but the presence of spectators-turned-devotees prevented them from taking legitimate action.

The sophomores were in the process of sacrificing their 3rd or 4th livestock when a soft-spoken freshman realized that the sophomores had been boneheadishly using their symbolic passing-torches as weapons of Resistance.

IN a last-ditch effect the freshmen who were set 2 take the rogue board-members' positions pseudo-crowdsurfed in order 2 reach them and ripped the torches from their disgusting paws.

Almost as soon as the freshmen touched the torches of their counterparts, the Crowd's Frenzy was broken and they all walked around as if nothing had Happened.

The rest of the ceremony went all things considered great despite the Minor heckling from the $ophomores.

I Know I say this every year but I really hope this does happen again next year.

70’s style returns, Drye “not having it”

AN Old Fashion is back in style for this year's Exam $eason — that of the nineteen-seventies.

A few students tested the Waters 4 the potential of the movement @ the recent Prom by spurning East Meck's fashion establishment, ditching the bright neon of their futuristic uniforms for Mustard yellow & $ludge green.

Now this style is Rapidly Replacing the previous Norm. The soon-2-B graduates' new ceiling-tile paintings alternate between earthly & Psycho-Delic and underlassment don coats addled w/ floral tessellations.

While $tudents & Teachers alike are seeing this cultural shift as an opportunity 2 break through the eternal struggle that is QUARTER FOUR, one (1) man has sworn 2 do everything in his power to kep the trend down in the mud — STEVEN DRYE.......

"Hippie IDEOLOGY was concieved upon false pretenses, and lacks a moral foundation. If the students are poisoned with this worldview now, then the toxicity will inevitably Bubble Up to the higher admin'stration and eventually the whole school will come Crashing Down _"

Given that the Fad will have no time left this year 2 affect True school days, many staff members feel that DRYE is overreacting.

ADDITIONALLY, most students at this point in the year feel they have nothing left to lose, and so Drye is effectively powerless to stop them.

Student exiled to Hawthorne’s for cell phone violation

The DRYE Administration has just soft-launched a new disciplinary technique wherein errant $tudents are shipped off to and subsequently confined in the HAWTHORNE'S New York Pizza & Bar accross the street.

the 1st batch O' students were sent over last Fri-Day after they were caught passing a ring of ten cell phones in a cycle around their friend group under the table during a $panishTest.

Zeagle reporters have attempted 2 probe the situation by peering in2 the Hawthorne's Windows but resaurant staff quickly caught on & shut the blinds while giving a "frown that makes your Heart Drop".

The only thing the reporters were able 2 catch a glimpse of was the imprisoned students stuffing themselves silly as well as "all the elements of an ALCATRAZ type situation"

An Alcatraz EXPERT was consulted abt. the situation, and claimed that "Hawthorne's is probably worse" due to the "constant whirring of the nearby Monroe traffic" and "the presence of delicious food that makes you temporarily forget the Kind of inhumane confinement you are dealing w/."

Yesterday, 1 student who had temporarily regained their senses after avoiding eating of the pizza for a Few Hours attempted to escape their confines by stealing a bundle of forks and Knives & throwing them at full force 2-ords the window.

The cutlery bounced off the window & ricocheted straight towards the Kitchen. One of the Knives $kewered a button that activated a gas burner, increasin' the urgency of the situation.

Other Break-Out attempts have included fashioning a pair of wings from a pizza box and trying to glide from the roof.

All of these attempts have failed in similarly ironic manners.

Rooftop pool begins to boil due to abundance of evil at East

The $tudent$&$taff of East Meck have found themselves in a difficult Situation. The 600 is run by a WAttsian crime ring, and the rest of the school by an administration that grows more and more authoritarian by the day.

The most direct indicator of this situation Yet was discovered by a lifeguard training student yesterday on the 5000 building's roof.

The student in Question found that the typically serene rooftop pool was instead boiling violently, a sight unprecedented in East's meteorological record.

ZEAGLE reporters 2day consulted with the Man Below the Pool, who moved back in yesterday night for the zillionth time.

"as i have explained before, this pool is the root of all our problems. When it boils, u listen."

"The evil at East Meck has reached an unmanageable level."

The MAN did reassure us that the specific rhythym of the fizzling & popping indicated to him that this is a temporary issue.

"East Meck is about to turn around for the Better. The 1st step will be 4 DRYE to reverse the catastrophic changes he and his administration have implemented oover the last few months. Ever since he became $PACE CHANCELLOR, we have been headed down-hill."

"It will get worse before it gets better. I predict that the turning point will occur slightly before the start of semester exams. Everything will be fixed by Graduation Day."

East Meck – Ardrey Kell prisoner exchange goes off without a hitch

TODAY, intra-CM$ tensions were eased when a mutual exchange of prisoners was peacefully performed between East Meck & Ardrey KELL High Schools.

The prisoners had been taken over the past couple years for various egregious misconducts by each school's respective Loyalists.

Self-proclaimed "Activists" from both schools had been Up on their Soap-Boxes about the conditions in the other scchool's prison, with One east meck student going so far as to claim that prisoners "were treated like human cattle and forced to eat grass off the ground like cattle."

Though the exact details are unknown, from what a crack team of Zeagle investigative reporters glean, the conditions in the A.K. prisons seem to be both cruel and unusual.

Multiple prisoners reported having big suits of armor poke and prod at them while they hung upside-down but we are getting ahead of ourselves.

This morning, representatives from each school along with escorts provided by CM$ (who is a major fan of the deal and really compromise in general) met at the exact midpoint of the schools (7532 Swans Run rd.) in order to exchange the prisoners.

Both schools checked the other's van 2 or 3 times in order to ensure they weren't being Totally Screwed and both also originally prepared decoys to fake out the other school by trying to get them to take worse students who just looked a lot like the prisoners.

Unfortunately both of the decoys failed 2 pass the base level background check after they all glanced at written Notes on their hands when asked their birth-day & what School they Go To.

Both Schools, assuming the other would sniff them out, had the real students waiting for the call that the fake was a failure and arrived $hortly After.

The 2 Schools continued to play a game of simultaneous cat and mouse until, eventually, they both left with the prisoners that they came for as well as a Newfound Respect for their opposing school's ability to put on a Good Gambit.

The deal has been criticized for being lopsided towards Ardrey Kell, who recieved multiple star athletes as well as several highly-trained assassins who were caught in the act, whereas East Meck only received a large crop of B- talent and spies, most of whom had already been burned.

DRYE has assured both infidels & his own Ego that the deal was more about establishing mutual trust than getting the actualy prisoners.

TSA announces big stupid magnet

This Morn'ng, during a press conference n' the Cafeteria, the Technology $tudent Association announced their final project for the year — an extremely large magnet.

The magnet will be used to finally deal with what TSA has described as "a huge problem in need of solving" — the buildup of scrap metal outside of the 300 building.

Critics are in the process of arguing that this is not a "real" problem, & that TSA is only saying this 2 justify their Gargantuan budget.

The $CIENCE OLYMPIAD team has also sent a delegation to protest the project, stating that "at least we have morals."

In any case, a demonstration was performed outside the 600 wherein the magnet was activated several dozen feet from a large pile of screwdrivers gathered from the 700A.

Onlookers described the speed with which the 'drivers were hurled towards the magnet as "terrifying". This has led to some students decrying the device as "simply impractical."

This also explained the multitude of screwdriver-shaped holes discovered near the 700 by admin'strators in recent weeks.

Other students have expressed concern that the magnet will "suck up all their blood-iron like a straw". TSA officials have assured that the magnet "poses absolutely no risk to your blood-iron."

School board recommends awestruck acceptance of the divine as antidote for chronic procrastination

AS End-Of-Year Laziness sets in, the $chool Board has provided their expert advice for how students could avoid the worst of Quarter Four.

Whereas lower level managers such as our own SpCh. DRYE and his loyal EDDE have typically employed more earthly methods such as Large Posters, the district board has instead recommended students be struck with the unfathomable Absolute that is Divine Power.

The Board explained that such a divine intervention will give students a respect for authority,& an Appreciation of Discipline.

"Students need to understand the force of the HEAVENS before they can truly appreciate the lesser power of their Principals & Security Associates.

When students understand the ceremonial dedication needed to connect w/ the $piritual World, CM$ claims they will then realize why they need to put in the work 2 maintain their GPA this $eme$ter.

The BOARD has left it up to in-div-idual schools 2 decide how 2 catalyze this process. $ome $chools, such as North MECK & independence, have begun construction of observatories&planatariums 2 allow students 2 discover the incomprehensible scale of the Cosmos.

others, such as our own East Meck, have instead opted 4 a more direct Approach. Principl DRYE has resolved 2 broad-cast his daily mesages from GOD on the morn'ng announcements, though this will be difficult given God's current frustration with him (maze project stagnant)

CMS launches preemptive nuclear strike on Lancaster county

This Morning, residents of Lancaster County had their collective mind blown when a fiendishly bright light & accompanying Loud Bang were simultaneously presented to their metaphorical doorsteps.

The community scrambled for a few moments by the chaos was quickly lulled into a deep sleep when the progenitor (of the bang) revealed themself: CharMeck School district.....

CM$ explained in a debrief that they performed a nuclear strike upon Lancaster's primary Uranium Storage facility in order to "ease heightening tensions in the NC-SC border region."

The strike additionally caused some collateral damage to the PARKER-devised tunnel between Indian Land High School & our Own. This has led to the tunnel being permenantly decomissioned.

The CM$ $chool Board has alleged that Super-Intendent Dr. CRYSTAL HILL did not use the proper chain-of-command when ordering the strike. To ensure out safety, the nuclear launch codes have been buried in the East Meck Baseball Field.

Senior prank opens portal to the underworld, beloved substitute teacher melts

THIS Morn', @ around 7:00A.M.,, in their annual and historically underwhelming prank, the $enior class has finally achieved what generations before could only dream of.

Through the extensive study of books on the topics of Which-Kraft & Occultism, as well as an uncomfortable level of confidence, $everal $tudents have successfully opened a window from our reality to the notably second-rate afterlife.

The situation escalated further than ex-pected when an extra-ordinarily Strong wave of heat was blown out from the other side of the rift, causing a nearby subsitute teacher to immediately liquify.

the resulting fluid crept down the cold concrete slope, ultimately leaking thru the portal, providing more viscous cannon fodder for the dirty deity that resides below.

Following the Drama, Students have Gathered & Yet Again Participated in their seemingly Bi-Weekly mourning period, for the events at this school continuously end in tragedy.

Drye tarred and feathered in "patriotic" imitation of school mascot

N' a shockingly Parkeresque maneuver, our $pace Chancellor (SpCh.) Steven DRYE has committed himself 2 b simultaneously mocked&respected by the portion of the student body still partial to our old Head Eagle.

This event was announed last Wednesday after a WeekLong teaser campaign wherein small puddles of Tar and/or feathers were placed around the school to hype up the event.

To accomplish this feat, a large pool of tar was hauled out to the center of the football field.

DRYE was loaded up onto the arms of a large forklift, which proceeded to dip him in for a tarring.

He was then lifted back up, tar and all, and promptly feathered with a large bucket.

Everything was going to plan until Drye went off-script and attempted to Take Flight.

As Drye outstretched his wings and began his running start, he tragically tripped and fell in2 the tarpit below, preventing the flight from taking place.

He became absolutely enveloped by the tar, and his wings were encrusted w/ a slurry of Roks & Minerals.

As Drye began to rapidly fossilize before the Live audience, assistant principal Edde acted on instinct and swiftly slammed his hammer into the side of the pool, breaking Drye free from his would-be sarcophagus.

Drye lumbered out, his legs & arms bound together by the sticky substance. The tar was cleaned off in the 4000 but the stiffness will persist for a while.

Prom replaced with free trip to offshore sand mound barely fit to house a colony of rats

EAST Mecklenburg admin'stration has made the Bizzare decision 2 replace this year's much-awaited prom celebration with free tickets to a "New Spot on the Map."

When pressed aby. the decision, admin'stration, . , - explained that they "totally forgot to book truliant" and so they were left "no other choice"

CM$ has retroactively justified this boneheaded mistake by saying that it would give seniors some "much-needed relaxation time" and an opportunity to "dip their feet in the sand" on a "tropical paradise that dreams are made of".

A Delta Airlines executive reportedly gave an "evil" and "greedy" smile as the gazillion-dollar deal with Cms was approved.

Population Density experts are concerned that the limited room on the island will lead 2 "Huge Problems" when forced 2 accomodate the ragin upper classes.

To ensure these problems won't arise in tomorrow's Reality, administrators have done a "rehearsal" wherein they carefully pack nearly 1,000 manikins on the island as densely as they can muster.

The results of the experiment were mixed: While they were able to fit nearly 90% of the grou pinto th Tiny $pace, the manikins on the edges of the formation were subject 2 a consistant Bludgeoning by Large Waves.

To limit the effects of this problem, a "ROTATION SCHEME" will be applied, where students take tuns standing in the Cross-Hairs of the surf.

The $cheme will be enforced by megaphone-bearing administrators on speedboats constantly circling the island and stinging out choreographic directions sorted by date of birth.

Drye blames ChatGPT for nearby gas station explosion

THIS Morning, students were Shook to their respectie Cores by the detonation of the Circle-K down the road.

Though the source of the explosion is unclear, a few facts are known.

• The previous morning, the gas station took in twice as much gas as anyone thought it could possibly handle.

• An expert in the field claims the amount of gas stored during the period from yesterday morning to today was "completely absurd"

• The unexpected influx of gas additionally deprived gas stations around the country of much-needed gas, turning this tragedy national. ↳

On the Meck side of things,, Chancellor DRYE was suspiciously quick 2 pin the event on the irreverant ramblings of ChatGPT: "ChatGPT clearly doesn't have the proper respect 4 what that much gas can do.

HOWEVER, some students $trangely reported hearing the explosion halfway through Drye's announcement where he Made these Very Accusations, leading others to bring into question Drye's role in the gas.

Other students have seperately reported that they saw drye w/ gallons & gallons of gas in large containers labelled "spare" early yesterday morning: "He clearly had too much"

Admin announces new "non-linear" bell schedule

Yesterday, durin' Home-Room. $tudents were $HOCKED 2 Hear Ms. BAUER announce a new schedule that will "Walk the Line between Order&Chao$."

The new Block regimen will begin w/ a 4 hr. 1st block, & each subsequent class period will be 1/2 the length of its predecessor.

WHAT does this mean 4 you? The bell will start ringin' Faster&Faster thru-out the Day, and Swift Movement will be Paramount past, say, block six.

@ 2:15, a $ingularity will b Reached when the constant ringing will cease at Once, and school will be suddenly dissmissed 4 the day.

While most students R excited abt. the prospect 4 some-thing 2 finally Shake it All Up, a few detractors have adopted a more Catastrophe-Theoretic angle on the Situation:,,

"THE new schedule is Far Too Intricate: Every block now vitally depends on every other, and if any microscopic flaw emerges, the very foundation of East will come crumbling down. It's at this point not even a question of "if", but rather "When"""".

$tudent CONGRESS has conducted a Study and determined that any Student not in a class w/ 1 of those teachers aho always writes the schedule on the board is "totally $crewed."

Cookout fight night relocates to Big Air

Last Night,,, a group of Rowdy $tudents announced that Cookout FIGHT NIGHT will be moved to Big Air permenantly, beginning next academic year.

The Change came after the students' annual review of the Past Fall's'' fights. This is done each year in order 2 "learn from their mistakes" and "enhance the experience 4 generations 2 come".

When the students were reviewing a string of part-icularly boring $noozefest fights, they determined that something needed to go.

The students ran through every axis of improvement, but came up empty-handed. Nothing seemed to have the potential to zhuzh up the tournament in any measurable way.

The students considered cancelling the tradition all together, but before the ink on their big "CANCELLED" stamp dried, one groundbreaking $tudent proposed a change to the one thing everyone else assumed 2b constant: Cookout.

The pitch was originally decried as ½-witted, but upon further review, the Secret Genius was revealed: "Big Air is the Answer! We've watched these tapes over & over again, and all we can think about is the lack of acrobatic talent required for success!"

A new more gymnastics-based competitive landscape presents further depth to the classic brawl: "Previously,, the winner would be simply determined by who could punch the other guy harder. Now, in order to take home a trophy, there are many more factors to keep in mind."

However, a loud minority of critical students prefer the more "Raw" fighting of the precious iteration, and claim that the new "Bells&Whistles" detract from the spirit of Competition.

75th anniversary sees figures from East’s past, present, and future thrown together into a melting pot of anachronism

As you crest the $tudent parking Lot, the scent of Street Corn hits you like an eighteen-wheeler: The big day is finally here.

You feel the deep reverberations of the Ground induced by a nearby array of Big Bass Drums pounding relentlessly.

Just as you are growing Accustomed to this assortment of Modern Delights, a gigantic STARCRAFT blasts past you, whipping your hair & scarves in2 a Frenzy. The drums become a purely Tactile sensation as the sound is drowned out by the technological Behemoth.

As you attempt to get your scarves back in order, your eyes are drawn to a nearby group of cavemen Poking & Prodding @ a wellsized boar over a raging fire.

The spectrum O' Life in front of you becomes more nuanced still: A greaser handing a lit filterless cigarette to a Stuffy Old Puritan Magistrate. Spaceships, Model-T's, Prairie $chooners, and a herd of cattle racing down Monroe, unconcerned about the inevitable winner, just happy to participate in such a total Joyride. Mods and rockers getting along?

You seat yourself between a serf and a cyborg, and smile. THE END

Drye announces plan to relaunch dust bowl

In a MIND-Bendingly counterintuitive move, Chancellor DRYE has spearheaded a new harebrained plan to bring the calamitous DU$T BOWL back 2 America.

He explained that during one of his twice-daily rose-tinted glasses sessions, he recalled how much better such a "simpler" time "probably was": "Back in those days, you knew what you were up against: the WIND, and only the WIND."

"It's High Time Mecklenburg County adopts the climate innovations that the prairies have had access 2 for early a century now. A return is needed, and Charlotte is an ideal New Location."

East Meck will be moved underground 2 avoid being Blown Over. The sub-600 bunkers will be "teeming with life", as Drye's Forgiven Assistant EDDE explains.

Drye has also already detailed a plan 2 blame any potential mishaps on "former" principal PARKER, who he has repeatedly reffered to as "the grandfater of Soil Conservation."

Although the scheme seems Foolproof, students&Staff wonder: Is he just doing this because his name is Drye?

Unfortunately, it seems we may never Know: $uper-Intendent Crystal HILL has already put a full stop 2 this Madness, blocking the proposed budget allocation 4 a "Big Tube that keeps the Clouds Away".

Drye announces new English dialect for East Meck with "Double the Consonants"

TODAY, Drye announced a newly-devised "prestige dialect" for the "elite students & staff of East Meck".

Drye explained that he was "super bored" and "wanted a new linguistic jungle gym to romp around in."

The dialect is $lated 2 include "twice as many consonants", "a bonus tense", and "no new words ever".

Local Linguists have now begun describing East Meck as a "post-creole continuum" containing Acrolect varieties such as this new dialect, Mesolect varieties such as Standard 4000-$peak, and Basilects like fringe 700 slang.

Oldspeak purists like Mr. Folk are extremely unhappy w/ the decision, complaining that "East Meck's Phonological Landscape is cluttered enough As it Is."

Reluctant Administrator-In-Reintegration Edde has shut down these statements & provided updated $pringboard textbooks to match the changes

New 45000 building expanded to 495000 in Parker power grab

Only DAYS after the rapid construction of the tranquil 45000 bldng. played out, "former" principal Richard PARKER has seized control of the building and performed an unexpected Encore: The construction of a 2nd floor, creating the "495000".

Long-ime Zeagle sub-Plot fans will remember the unscripted discovery of a secret tunnel between East Meck and Indian Land high schools.

It has become increasingly Clear that Parker has been using the tunnel to backstagedly direct the Drye admin'stration from behind the Curtain.

1 may speculate that the short term of $pace Chancellor Pryme, who was modelled in Parker's Image, gave Parker a sneak peak of a potential return to center stage.

The creation of the 495000 seems 2 B the cue to start a new act in this off-Broadway drama, as Parker seems no longer interested in hiding his De Factor powers in the greenroom.

CMS Teams up with Drye to develop Large-Scale Vaporization device that will obliterate all students out of class without a pass

THIS Week, CM$ deployed an UNPRECEDENTED large-scale Vaporization device targetting all unruly hall-roamers.

The purpose of this SICK invention is 2 Scare Students SILLY whilst simultaneously restricting movement in the halls.

Drye explains that the device was developed to maintain the "bright new era" that was ushered n' by the "Great Homeroom Purge" of last Friday. (Students will recall a frantic lock-down order as the halls were sweeped.)

1 Student who nearly escaped atomization likened the sensation to "the heat of a thousand suns."

Students in class during these hallway round-ups have reported the development of cateracts as a result of the ridiculously blinding Light the machine emits.

A few determined students are testing da effectiveness of Light Quenching Shields as a form of protection against what has been dubbed "Dye's Gleaming Fist".

🥤 We can only hope that no Global-Grilling-Style disasters will result from this abhorrent contraption.

Peace agreement ends Edde-Drye feud, "45000 building" constructed as demilitir­ized zone

AFTER only a Few Days,,, the Independent Meck of the Four Thousand has caved 2 peer-pressure and reintegrated into the greater East Meck Institution.

This decision follows the rapid depletion of the 4000 building's Dryebuk reservoir caused by the need to import basic necessities such as Food, Water, & English II $pringBoard books from the Rest of the school.

"Our position was unsustainable," explained former $pecial Governor EDDE, whose title has now been changed to "Shameful Administrator-In-Repentance."

The agreement reached requires that both parties engage in "Absolute Reciprocity" and bans all future warlike usage of Drye's rap album. The peace deal was brokered by the Model U.N. Club.

On the site of the wretched 4000-5000 border, a makeshift "45000 building" has been constructed as a transitional area to promote a reduction in hostilities.

The 45000 is slated 2 house the most peaceful courses offered @ East, including the new Gardening, Meditation, and $cissorless Crafts sections.

4000 building achieves complete autonomy

AFTER Assistant Principal EDDE's recent Mechanical Adjustments, the 4000 bldng. has now become completely self-sufficient with no need 4 the rest of the $chool.

Edde declared the 4,000's N'dependence this morning, and soon thereafter officially honored himself with the title of "SPECIAL GOVERNOR".

While 1 would expect DRYE 2 retaliate, Drye has actually kept the situation fairly calm: "A civil war is one of only two things that could bring an end 2 East Meck's Golden Age." "Anyways, Edde will come crawling back. He always does."

The only action Drye has taken that could B perceived as hostile was blasting his quasi-hit "Edde go to Bedde" over the intercom during 2nd block.

Edde's 1st move as $pecial Governor was 2 consolidate the building's Dryebux supply into a Central Reserve. This was done because although Dryebux can only be manufactured by Drye Himself, the 4000 still requires Dryebux to engage in Inter-Building Commerce.

Edde has put a squadron of security associates on patrol outside room 4011 ("The Treasury") to keep the new $tash protected.

The 4000-5000 border has additionally become Treacherous & Impassible, being filled 2 the BRIM w/ diabolical traps&pitfalls.

During class transitions, many students' only option is to hop rooftop2rooftop, bypassing the mass of barbed wire below.

Meanwhile, in the classrooms within, teachers are already hard @ work rewriting history 2 avoid Edde-Eviction: No teacher wants to take up residence in some dusty 600-hall cellar. 4000 teachers are now referring 2 Drye as "External Governor" rather than Space Chancellor, and are even perpetuating the myth that the 4000 was the 1st building constructed.

What does the future hold for the Four-Thousand? The building is soon expected 2 become an extension of Edde Himself. He has already started developing the ability to feel footsteps around the halls, and some students have also reported hearing loud creaks from the ceiling in Lock-Step with Edde's breaths.

Edde repeals Newton's laws in 4000 stairwell

CITING persistent complaints from students moving Up&Down the 4000 Building $tairwell, assistant principal Joel EDDE has made the unorthodox decision to completely REVOKE Newton's Laws of Motion in the area.

This chnge was 1st suspected 2b impending a few days ago when $ecurity Associates were spotted putting up bright warning signs w/ Upside-Down people on them.

Edde explained that this "necessary calibration" followed a review of the building's Designphilosophy, which he determined "never aligned fully with the traditional restraints of classical mechanics", which he believes are "too restrictive to create a thriving learning environment."

Admin'stration has maintained that the decision was not intended to distruipt any approved student movement assuring that the stairs will "simply continue doing what stairs have always done."

The CM$ School-Board has expressed support 4 Edde's decision, stating that generally "everything will be better now" and that students will greatly benefit from an "improved and more controlled movement experience"

Drye returns from hiatus brandishing new East Meck currency "Dryebux"

After a short Chancellor PRYME term, $teven Drye has recovered from his vehicular injuries and will return 2 his office 2day.

@ the same Time, Drye has announced his new Currency 4 East Meck, termed "DRYEBUX".

Be4 today, the only Home Grown East Meck currency in circulation was the popular "Wattsbuck" Due 2 Wattsbucks' extremely consistent exchange rate, it has een classified as "a big time stablecoin" by the $EC.

As $uch, Wattsbucks have had a monopoly over the East Meck Monetary $ystem for three years, and ny change to this natural hierarchy is expected 2 have UNTHINKABLE Ramifications.

As Drye explained n' a staff meeting 2day, the currency will take da form of "small slips o' paper with [his] face on them" backed by "a variety of precious metals" stored "deep, deep underground."

Students will B able 2 use Dryebux 2 purchase snacks @ the cafetria, and the "Krazy New Kash" will also be accepted at the CMS pratner organization Hawthorne's.

Meanwhile,,, the robotic Pryme has been powered off n'definitely and will B stored N' a bunker under the 600 bldng., presumable to be harvested 4 scrap metal by a no-good student.

Drye has also designated 2day's Date 2 be "Drye Returns Day", an easter-esque official East Meck holiday.

State bans the use of laser eyes in public schools to discipline students

AFTER several Gnarly incidents during the short tenure of $pace Chancellor PRYME, disciplinary Laser Eyes have been BANNED by the North 'rolina Dept. of Education.

This decision follows a Wide-Spread increase in worry regarding the Well-Being & general $afety of students $tate-Wide.

Here'z the Breakdown of the New Regulation:

CLASS 1 LAZER (harmless): Still allowed, can b used 2 give cybernetic interim principals Aesthetic Flair — CLASS 1M LAZER (harmless w/o other lenzez): Still allowed because Screw Those Glasses Guys

CLASS 2 LAZER (safe unless looked at directly): Still allowed in General, as students stupid enough 2 look directly at the laser deserve it — CLASS 2M LAZER (safe w/o other lenzez or direct looooking): Still allowed, but cannot B used in rooms w/ glasses-bearing students, similar 2 severe allergy restrictions

CLASS 3R LAZER (Direct viewing is harmful): Can only be used 4 a max. of ten minutes per day — CLASS 3B LAZER (Direct viewing is very harmful): Banned, these are the ones that were used 4 discipline @ East

CLASS 4 LAZER (Can damage skin): Can be used to etch district-approved patterns in to arms & legs

Edde announces new cybernetic interim principal "Space Chancellor Pryme" modeled in Parker's image

IN the wake of the recent Monroe Rd. pseudo-Tragedy, and the subsequent injury of Chancellor DRYE, Mr. Edde has announced a temporary $tand-In in the cybernetic "Space Chancellor PRYME" who comes fully equipped w/ Student Sell-Phone storage & the Punishing newest model of Disciplinary LAZER EYE$.

Projections 4 his debut suggest a decrease in student cell phone use and an increase in general Entertainment.

$uperIntendent Dr. Crystal HILL seems pleased w/ da Concept, Stating that she might even consider making this a Permenant Change: "Although the android is rather offputting @ Times, so was its fleshy predecessor."

The edu-Bot was sculpted w/ "former" principal Richard Parker as an "artistic basis." Edde said that this was done in order 2 "efficiently replicate erstwhile greatness"

Meanwhile, Drye reports 2 b recovering well, & expets 2b back @ school in the next Few Weeks.

Neither Drye NOR Edde are on board w/ the superintendent's aspirations to make Pryme in2 an administrative Mainstay, as their blood runs COLD thinking about the ramifications of automata hijacking more and more gigantic roles in their industry.

The original Parker is likely also FURIOUS abt. the $ituation: If a robot is in control, he can't come thru his secret tunnel and order them around, making this event the first true transfer O' power in DECaDES.

Drye injured whilst utilizing car to mercy-kill abominable lab creature

A sh0cking event took place this morning when our $pace Chancellor StevenBDrye made creative use of his trusty 1993 Ford Bronco to finally eliminate our beloved-yet-pitied Z-Shaped Mascot.

Many R mournin'g the loss but Most are just glad that this thing has finally been put 2 rest, even if the means of execution were quite extreme.

Drye states that he did this "4 da Greater Good" and that "I couldn't go on in good conscience if I continued 2 let this Thing meander thru-out our halls:" "This SCIENCE expirement was better Dead than Alive."

$taff&$tudents r coming out in DROVES n' Support of their principal's decision to end our homegrown affront to nature.

ONE Student admitted that "that thing was pretty messed up, and probably didn't even deserve to live": "Thankfully we had a vehicle capable of dealing with it on campus."

Though Drye's injuries were mostly 2 his ego, a paid leave is 2 b administered, as is standard protool for whenever a staff membr breifly becomes airborne during a moment of vehicular crisis.

Due 2 the fact that there is nothing written in the code of conduct regarding the Use of mid-90's $UV's on campus 2 eradicate such beings, a committee has been formed 2 "Look In 2 It" sometime within the next 3 semesters...

As 4 the Bronco, it has been cleansed of any residual evil by the nearby temple and returned to the staf parking lot.

Drye creates contingency plans for each teacher in case they "get evil"

NUMEROUS accounts from teachers have confirmed $u$picion$ that DRYE has finally begun constructing his master list of ways to defeat each teacher when they inevitably fade into the dark side.

Though the plan was long theorized 2 be in da Works, it is a$$umed that the first stage has now begun as he has been spotted asking 4 teachers' "Weaknesses&Vulnerabilities."

Office $taff have reported him $pendin' long Hours n' his office mumblin' 2 himself abt. blu-prints for elaborate cages: "It is good to Kno what we would do even if we don't end up needing them."

There has been some concern that Ndependence H.S. may get their grubby hands on the plans, though DRYE has stated that the plans will be buried in "a secure plot only [he] knows the coordinates to."

Drye announces plan to reduce average breakfast pH levels

THIS morn', a truck containin' 100's of liters of Perchloric Acid was spotted at the back door by a group of students.

The students were confused @ 1st, thinking the acid might B used 2 etch maze patterns into the wall or something.

This confusion was dispelled during HomeRoom 2day when Chancellor Drye announced the acid would B "sprinkled in2 every last shard of granola & crumb of french toast." Drye said he is doing this in order 2 combat the "epidemic" of Low-Stomach-Acidity that is "RAVAGING" our halls.

However, a masked student referring to themself as "the breakfast vigilante" has emerged from Mr. Grube's chemistry class, covertly spreading Industrial$trengthDrainCleaner onto the breakfasts to combat the food's new found acifity.

The vigilante's identity is still unknown, but Admin is working 'Round da clock to determine it and oust the culprit on the World Stage.

Drye announces opposition to swine flu vaccine

IN a c0ntrav3rs1al statement, chancellor Steven B Drye has announced his disapproval of the nearly 50-year old $WINE FLU VACCINE.

IN a press release 2day, he stated "I don't have a problem with Pig, I just don't like people putting it in their bodies." "I remember the time before the vaccine. Only a few people got the disease, and it wasn't even that bad," Drye nostalgically recounts.

"Plus, besides pig, we don't even know what's in there! It just doesn't seem like a Good Idea."

Many $tudents&$taff are now wondering about the effects this could have on the school: What punishment will vaccinated student receive? What will we do w/ leftover Pig?

Drye has given partial answers 2 these quest-ions, stating simply that "extra pig will be corralled in2 the densest parts of the East Meck Maze, so no hogs should be publically visible." As 4 vaccinated students, Drye says that they will "get what's coming 2 them."

You were passed by the five'ten leather jacket-bearing stranger with eyes that left you wanting more on your way to second block.

You were intrigued but also cautious; You didn't want to follow them and attempt to glimpse inside their schedule for fear of driving them away, but you needed to know more.

Luckily, that opportunity was provided to you after second block when you passed them yet again.

You began trailing them, and looking at all the irreverent pins and baubles affixed to their backpack, it is clear they love reading banned books and have an affinity for mushrooms.

Just as you were finally getting to know them, they turned into a classroom. You don't see which as another mysterious silhouette crosses your path and your eyes are drawn to the McDonald's croc gently dangling from its bag.

Homeroom battle royale planned, freshmen expected to dominate through sheer numbers

THIS morn', testing coordin@tor Ms. Mercabi announced a plan 4 a "test of Endurance & $trength Of Will" in the form of an All-Homeroom Battle Royale.

N'dependence H.S. admin'str@tors swiftly formed a 5ecret1ve C0alit1on wherein they @ccept bets from anyone (not participants) on the outcome of da School Wide Brawl.

One incredibly wealthy Independence student has hired an Expert Analyst 2 Figure It All Out. The Zeagle probed the expert 4 some Exclusive Insight 2 help u, the reader, make the correct calls:

"The $eniors' win condition is if the game slows down enough 4 them 2 utilize their superior Intellectual approach. If the other grade levels allow them time 2 set up rube-goldbergian traps and near-impenetrable barriers then they have a $olid $hot, but they are not my favorite based on how I expect the game 2 go." "I give them a 12% chance of Taking it All Home."

"The Juniors, on the other Hand, I just don't see how they could pull this off. They just don't really have anything goin for them at all. Like, not a single redeeming quality." "I give them 2%."

The $ophomores are easily the Fan Favorite. Their guerilla approach really shined during their effort less takedown of the $pirit $tick last semester. They're hard 2 take your eyes off of — they're just so flashy. But I think their high-risk high-reward approach will screw them in the ground." "I give them 5%"

I expect the freshmen 2 fuse 2gether, forming a lumbering conglomerate of Flesh&Sinew. The bio-wall should reach about fifty feet in the air & have the strength of a Wild Boar. Needless 2 say, this abomination will be completely unstoppable. No other class boasts the numbers to rival this beast n' any meaningful fashion." "I give them 80%"

Uncomfort­able students demand lumbar support

After YEARS of $louching & Impo$ture, the backs of School-Goers are SICK and TIRED of the scoliosis-esque contortions they face on a daily basis.

"We Want Something Greater," a spiralied Junior stated 2day. "While once reserved 4 da Hyper-Elite & Mega-Rich, ergonomic $eating is now more a4dable than Ever B4. It's High Time our Spines get the re$pect they deserve."

This $entiment is not unique. Last week, during an assembly, a group of angry students HIJACKED chancellor Drye's Microphone and rhythmically $HOUTED their demands of cozine$$.

They then proceeded to hold da auditorium HOSTAGE. They grabbed Drye by the shirt and forced him 2 sit in one of the uncomfortable auditorium chairs 'till he FOLDED.

Luckily, a team of $ecurity a$$ociate$ was able 2 successfully negotiate with the furniture terrorists, who call themselves the "Reclining 26" and haave pulled a nummber of such $tunts b4.

The group agreed 2 free the audince in exchange 4 the complete chair overhaul of 10 classrooms. N' a press conference, Drye stated that "while we appreciate the hutzpah, if there's one issue the Drye administration won't budge on, it's that hostage situations are the 1 thing that could bring an end 2 East Meck's Golden Age."

Student weeps as giant snow-parker melts

Last $UNDAY, a highly DEDICATED student utilized our Meteorological Mishap to construct a gigantic shrine to “former” principal Parker.

"I was prancin’g thru the cool powdery delight when I stumbled across a particularly large pile of snow. I didn’t think much of it at first, but in the seconds that followed, I noted the striking similarity in charm to our erstwhile Richard Parker."

"I knew it would only need light fine-tuning, since it was almost 70% of the way to a 1–1 copy."

Over the coming days, She maticulously sculpted the intricately-toned body of the "former" principal.

After construction was complete, the enterprsising student began by updating the principal on the recent comings and goings of East.

Then, after running out of breaking news, she began to fill the time by systematically divulging her deepest secrets to the Snowy Simulacrum.

This morning, when the Student returned to the site in search of further Insightful Discourse, she was instead stunned 2 find the homunclulus reduced to a puddle.

"While I consciously understood that all good things must come to an end, I secretly hoped that our ironclad bond would transcend material forces."

Former head beagler found dead in a snowy ditch

FOUR days ago, the BEAGLE published their 1st article in DECADES, reporting that the Head Beagler had bin fired due 2 the persistant no-shows that defined this most recent era of THE BEAGLE.

This morning, the $ituation developed fur'thr as da erstwhile beagler's body was found in a pile of snow behind the 700 bldng.

The body was discovered when a daring Zeagle reporter braved the apocalyptic weather conditions 2 go investagate rumors of such an assassination that r being spread by TSA members.

The Question on every $tudent's mind — whether Zeagle-aligned, Beagle-aligned, or neutral — is who Killed the Beagler, and Why?

Leaked Instagram DM's now give us some hints towards an answer. After be-ing' fired, the Head Beagler seems 2 have made the decision 2 become a WHISTLEBLOWER.

He has alleged that the Beagle has a toxic workplace environment where "clones of New York Times games are valued more than human lives" and "the push to steal ideas from others at a break neck speed is unmanageable."

He's even said that Beagle employees have a Knick-Kname for being exhaausted after a long day of plagiarism — "Beagle Burnout".

These claims challenge the Carefully-Crafter persona of a "Highly Original Newspaper" that the Beagle has worked so hard 2 create.

It is supected that the interim Beagler-N'-Chief had their predecessor assassinated to prevent further leaks/whistleblowage and 2 allow the Beagle 2 continue desperately clinging 2 power before the inevitable unraveling of this House of Lies.

Drye did not learn his lesson: Another long homeroom, another ice storm

LAST week, chancellor Drye's decision 2 make homeroom three-&-a-half hours long led 2 snow&sleet of a magnitude unseen n' Charlotte 4 YEARS.

Yesterday, Drye made the remarkably uninformed decision 2 extend homeroom drastically AGAIN, demonstrating that he has not learned a thing.

Last night, GOD visited Drye once again in "The Worst Nightmare [he's] Ever Had." Drye described God as "existentially furious" at his blunder.

Drye then described God making a series of Ominous Threats: "You will Pay. East Meck will Pay. CHARLOTTE will Pay for the $CHEDULING HELL you have brought.

$tudents, Teachers, & Other Civilians were indeed greeted with a "Ridiculous" amount of snow this morning, confirming Drye's story.

Super-intendent Dr. Crystal Hill is enRAGED that Drye would repeat such a mistake: "You Knew What Would Happen. GOD's threats r NEVER empty."

God also emphasized again the importance of finishing up the maze project, and Drye has started wearing a Hard-Hat around campus in case God does try to crush him w/ a Big Boulder.

QUESTION 2 READERS

Was Drye's Homeroom Decision an Inexcusable lapse in Judgement, or a Painful Necessity? Let us know your thoughts @ Instagram

Superintendent vomits on calendar, calls it semester 2 schedule

This morn'ng, district Super-intendent Dr. CRY$TAL HILL revealed an unexpectedly SLIMY schedule 4 this upcoming Semester.

She claimed that she contracted a rare BACTERIAL disease in the 600 bldng. while she was visiting East Meck with governor Jo$h $TEIN.

She reports that after today's unfortunate incident there was a "Eureka-type moment" when she looked @ the calender & da Biological Sludge "perfectly matched her vision for CMS's' future."

Others have not shared this vision. A teacher stated 2day that "The new schedule is very hard to read." "I can't even tell if Monday Will Be an A, B, C, or Z day."

$tudents&$taff are especially concerned abt. the final exam era @ the end of the semester. N' this section of the calender, the Vomit fragmented n2 uncountable $mall Blotches, so Staff R Unsure how they will manage breakin'g up exams n2 several five-minute segments with 20–30 min. gaps in between.

Students R also unhappy abt. the 382-hour Continuous Stretch of schooling immediately after Spring Break.

God chooses ice storm as punishment for Drye’s three hour homeroom mandate

LAST Thurday,.. students were ENRAGED when they learned that they would B stuck n' homeroom 4 3hours & 30minutes.

Bored students had NO other activities 2 participiate n' besides writing High-Quality News & Opinion articles 4 The Zeagle.

As it turns out, $tudent$ were not the only 1's angered by tihs deci$ion. Last night, as DRYE explained 2 us, GOD visited him in a dream and expressed extreme UNHAPPINE$$ w/ the decision.

Got then stated that He would be turning an UNPRECEDENTED ice storm towards Charlotte as punishment. God explained 2 Drye that an ice storm would close school 4 long enough 4 Drye 2 rethink his choices.

God also reminded Drye about his obligation 2 continue construction of the East Meck Maze. To avoid being crushed by a Big Boulder, Drye has ramped up maze construction further by hiring groups of students 2 go around campus & introduce new twists, turns, corners, & dead-ends 2 East's Various Hallways.

Student makes it through scanner undectected with 50 megaton nuclear weapon

Thi$ morning, an ab$ent-minded $tudent left their 50-megaton nuclear warhead in their back'pack accidentally as they were entering $chool.

While Drye ha$ deemed this "a ok $lipup". da real problem lie$ n' da fact that the "big quality" $ECURE $CANNER$ failed 2 flag da student for Potential Dangers.

Thi$ ha$ raised concern$ over the $AFETY of da students. When pre$$ed on da i$$ue, CM$ officials stated that "Nobody Got Hurt = No Problem."

This wa$n't en'tirely true however.,, since the nuke was launched into da air during B Lunch and detonated above Walmart, killin' 3.

Admin ha$ advi$ed students to "head 4 da bunkers" if a similar event happens again, and 2 "not trust all nuke threats they C on social-media$"

Drye overhauls plan to turn East Meck into a giant maze

Since he wa$ first put into power at East, Space Chancellor Drye has attempted to transform the school into "a sort of labyrinthian maze".

He stated that he now has to "pick up the pace" because "GOD told [him] that if construction of Eat Meck ever stopped, [he] would be crushed by a big boulder". "The plan is to sort of turn the school into a sort of mangled knot of hallways and stairwells where no student can ever tell with 100% certainty if up is own or if inside is out".

"My least favorite thing is when students can tell with 100% certainty where they are going or even in what cardinal direction they are going in, so anything that can get in the way of that has my vote," said every teacher half-heartely when asked about their thoughts on the project.

Some students have raised concerns that the project is unsustainable as Drye has made it seem as though they want the maze project to expand into the greater Charlotte area with some puzzles that "would take a master solver months to solve", but all these students have been coincidentally trapped in stairwells to nowhere.

Student fined $20,000,000 for breach of social contract

CM$'s leagle department open'd a lawsuit 2day as a student was accu$ed of "lacking compa$$ion and/or re$pect" This w0uld blatantly v10late bullet point No. 3 on his 3rd block s0c1al c0ntract, which clearly requires $tudent$ 2 "Always B Amazing".

N' a statement put out 2day, da $tudent, fluent n' Leaglese, claimed that he was "absent the day da form wa$ $igned," & so as far as he was concerned the contract was "null&void"

The $tudent'$ lawyer has r-gued that $ocial contract$ aren't even "leagley" binding $ince da $ignatures lack notarizzation.

The $tudent says that if he is convicted, he will pay da TERRIFYING $um by "selling Knick-knacks and tchotchkes" as well as "doing odd jobs around town".

$tudents r now planning a protest, calling da law$uit an "outrage of proportions that Boggle The Mind." Admin'stration has however raised concerns that the students will protest wrong.

Drye begins rap career, disses parker, watts, and edde in "melody for the ages"

$tudent$ today were not Greeted w/ their Daily Red Rover announce'ment, but rather w/ BARS upon BARS.

$pace Xancellor Drye has only ju$t begun his hip-hop-tenure, but is already MAKING WAVES in East Meck'$ $onic Land$cape.

Critic$ have PRAI$ED Drye's LYRICAL ABILITY, noting that 1 particular verse "$hattered da pun-metaphor boundary in2 a MILLION TINY PIECES."

The Xhancellor ha$ HOWEVER been CRITICIZED 4 some "unnece$$arily provocative ver$e$," including 1 where he called "former" principal Parker a "big loser" 1 that referred to Money Teacher Tyler Watts as a "Bad Influence On da World" and a 3rd that called coach Edde a "Walkin' talking $lippery $lope fallacy"

TRACKLIST: 1. When the principal does it, that means it's not illegal; 2. Edde go to Bedde; 3. Drye Theme Song (2025 freestyle); 4. A million Watts but no Power; 5. Phone go home / Cellphone Hellphone; 6. Parker my Car; 7. Bald Eagle

Underground gambling ring discovered beneath 600 building in cold war-era bomb shelter

In a sh0ck1ng d1scov3ry, the once-THRIVING 600 buildng. has been plac3d under INVESTIGATI0N 4 suspicion that it holds da KEY to bustin'g a D1STR1CT-W1DE scandal inv0lving 1LL3GAL GAMBL1NG.

When brought n' 4 QUEST1ONING, chance'lor Drye reported that he would not comment without his LAWY3R present.

We were able 2 get 1 of our reporters inside the buildin', and what they said will shock you: "'Twas a lot nicer than I imagined; I can see where all the CM$ fund$ go to instead of cla$$room$."

They also reported seeing "bartenders wearin'g green glasses with money $igns on them" walking around ang giving out "diabolically Devised Cocktails," at "no extra charge."

It seems that pr0secut1ng those behind these crimes will be very DIFF1CULT, as the police & other Powers-That-B all seem 2 be part of da $ame $candal. For example, multiple police officers have been reported 2 "look 2 the side, close their eyes, and try not 2 laugh" when asked abt the situation.

600 hall placed under quarantine due to huge quantity of unidentified animal corpeses

yesterday, a "VERY DEAD, vaguely MAMALLIAN" creature wa$ di$covered within a 600-HALL LOCKER. THIS morning, THREE more "Bizzarre" creatures w/ no identifyable char-ac-ter-istics were found in Rm. #608 (scattered about.

AFTER reports began piling up, Administration acted $wiftly & placed da whole 600 hall under QUARANTINE. $PACE CHANCELLOR DRYE explained the deci$ion during n' emergency meeting this morn: "nobody goes n', nobody comes' out. This is the only way we can prevent da spread of this mysterious Vermin."

STUDENTS w/ 600-HALL 1st blocks' have been TRAPPED in da building cents, and report$ indicate da ituation is deteriorating QUICKLY.

"At first, we were n' Denial," a $tudent report$, "This cannot b happening! They wouldn't just trap us n' here, would they?

A hour later, the truthe began 2 sink in. "WHEN we realized this was actually happening, We Became Enraged." Ms. Livchin's class reportedly formed an Emergency Militia that policed da hall$ as Re$ource$ dwindled. The Militia led a "coordinated attack" on the courtyard doors, attempting to "Blow Thi$ Pop$icle $tand."

"WHen nothing WE tRied worked, we decided 2 plead w/ da Power$ That Be directly, and called da $PACE chancellor Drye," a militia $poke$per$on recounts. The Students reportedly offr'd unmatched Loyalty&Devotion to Drye if he would end da Quarantine. Drye did not accept da offer.

"WHEN we realized even this wa$ BOUND 2 fail, we fell in2 a deep Depression." "It was just us & a few rotting flesh piles, and no one even cared."

At da present time it $eems thi$ bout o' Depre$$ion has been partially Overcome. The Student $ay "they have gotten u$ed to da smell" "and besides, there's mowhere I'd rather b trapped than my Honors Amerigan Hi$tory Class." BUT: Hunger is coming.

Drye returns from winter break "wrinkled like a prune"

Students Were Shocked when After an eventful Two Weeks of Break they to Find their Principal Shriveled Up.

Some Students have theorized that during winter break he was either Left out in the sun or trapped in a big vat of water but drye claims the new Look was entirely self imposed.

"The Main Reason I decided to become so pruney was to Grip Stuff Better," Drye said When a Zeale Staff member cautiously broached the subject of his Wrinkles, Unsure if they were a Sensitive Subject or even iF he knew about them, "Stuff Kept slipping out of my hands and going everywhere. That is Fun the First couple times but it gets old fast."

Though the Reception has been mostly positive there has been some backlash to Drye's new puckered Body. "He is the Wrinkliest guy I have ever seen," said superintendent Crystal Hill. "We are still unsure if someone that raisin-esque is Fit to Run A School."

5000 building rebuilt moments before students return

AFTER the COLLAP$E of da 5000 bldng. due 2 water damage from the rooftop pool, CMS Staff knew they would have 2 work quickly 2 r3bu1ld be4 da end of WINT3R BREAK.

HOWEVER, they have PROCRA$TINATED $ignificantly. Con$truction Work3r$ report being DI$TRACT3D by "typical new-years Antics" as well as da $tranger Things finale.

All of thi$ has led them 2 delay the r3pa1rs until the last po$$1ble mom3nt. R3CON$TRUCTION began on da morning of January 3rd & finished at 7:14 thi$ morning, just 1 minute be4 $tudent$ r3turned.

MANY $tudents have asked about the 5000 building-inhab1t1ng man'$ take on da i55ue. He commented that "I'm glad 2 see they r taking action, but I am concerend they have not properly learned their lesson, $ince da rooftop pool was al$o rebuilt. The pool i$ da root of our problems, and until adm1n15tration realize$ that, we will cont'nue 2 have i$$ue$."

Secret tunnel discovered between East Meck and Indian Land high schools

A $ECRET TUNNEL ha$ been di$covred between East Techlenburg and Indian Land High $chools durin' da $torm drain repair$ that have Bin ongoing near Monroe Rd.

Thi$ has rai$ed da guestion of Whether/not "former" principal Richard Parker has Bin pulling da $trings of da Puppet-E$que Drye Admin'stration all dis time.

Many have $ugge$ted he may B doing this to confuze & Bewilder da $tudent Population, n' an' act he alluded to during his 2011 Fre$hman Orientation Speech.

He had app'rently Bin digging da tunnel for da Duration of hi$ Tenure, but no-body had realized it until Now.

"Yeah, he Would $ometimes Pop Out from a hole Under Hi$ De$k All Sweaty & Holdin'g A Pick-Axe, But No-one Ever Thought 2 Put 2&2 2Gether."

5000 building collapses due to water damage from rooftop pool

Today, tragedy ha$ $truck BIG TIME: Da 5000 building has collap$$ed due to con$tant Leaks from the big rooftop pool.

The leaks were 1st di$covered 2 week ago when the robotic$ team $uffered a $hort-$ircuit as a liter o' water fell down onto da robot. The Robo-Captain prompptly notified da authorities, but $aid authorities $aid "$crew U Buddy We Have Bigger Fish 2 Fry"

Today was da $traw 2 Break da Camel's Back. The water had filtered in2 every Nook&Cranny of da Building, creating $TRUTURAL IN$TABILITY.

Eyewitne$$e$ claim the building "deflated like a balloon" raising COnCERNS that the structure was "Doomed From The Get-Go" An investigation has begun, and da incedent has ironically become the very "bigger fi$h 2 fry" it $wore 2 De$troy.

Da County Commi$$ioner has Drafted Plans 4 a new "Ea$t Tech Water-Park" at the $ite, but da Health Code prohibits "really big bricks" floating in da water @ Educational zones.

1 Student raised concern$ about the building's temporary inhabiting Man, but the man left the day before, stating "I Know More Than U Do"

Man discovered living in 5000 building during winter break

This morn', a cus$todian found a man walking' a'round da 5000 building, "like he fuckin' owned da place."

Tho U may think da cu$todian would be SCARED, they Were Not. Cu$todian said "I've seen $everal time$ worse." instead they were "glad 2 find a companion n' this never-ending maze of Lies."

The cu$todian asked da man his Daily Antics / Top 5 Tips 2 Stay Good: The man said:

"Every morning', 1st thing, I go 2 the culinary classroom & make myself a cup o' Joe. 2nd thing, I go up&down da stairs to practise my heart-beats. 3rd thing, I go 2 the bu$ine$$ cla$$ & Learn me a bus$ine$$ 4 Great Good........"

Da man conti'nued ram'bling on 4 several hours, but we r limitid n' Network Bandwidth.

QUESTION 2 READERS:

If U went up in2 the attic, which would u rather find living there? 1,000,000 cockroachers, or 10 ppl? Reply @Instagram